Saturday, March 15, 2008

Chemo....

...just isnt much fun.
In fact it sucks!.... it drags the joy out of me...and plunges me into misery.
I know it wont last....but Im over it today!

The best thing about dose two....was less nausea....its still verging on the outer...but its not overpowering me...and I can cope a lot better.
I dont feel physically as washed out either....and so I have been able to manage to do a lot more....the big downside of that is the more I do....everyone just assumes Im fine...and their expectations of me rise....so therfore I feel I need to push harder to meet expectations...and all the time Im miserable...flat and dying on the inside.

The kids cant cope with me unwell....I have had Briony in tears.... Brent and I at each others throats... me feeling like the absolute worst mother on earth.... to the point I cant sleep....Im dead dog tired...but not a wink of sleep in me....churning all night.

Im back at work.... day two after Chemo...feeling unwell...but not being able to take more time off.... the most frustrating part was that I was forced to take time off last week with a low white cell count... but at that stage I felt on top of the world....and now for the time being my count is up....and regardless of how ill I feel....I cant afford not to be here.

My skin is feeling sun burnt...I guess next stage it will peel.... Im aching...Im tired...Im tearful....and I still have months and months ahead.... and Im just over it already!

Oh well... a few more days and I know my outlook will change....Ill bounce back...Im resilient..I can do it!! Happy days will follow...

1 comment:

Donna said...

Mardi it is really shitty what the chemo does - I had never really thought about it before but now it is very personal to me. Try to just get thru work and then rest heaps at home - your family are all amazing and will support you 100% - you are the best mum in the world and don't ever doubt that. You are strong and this will be all worth it when you are well again and all this is behind you. I am so excited to be coming down in June. Love u heaps Donna